Handle With Care

Money is a touchy topic for elderly parents.

by H.M. Cauley

January 1, 2005

W hile being a Baby Boomer has plenty of perks when it comes to standard of living and life expectancy, it has also spawned a new moniker for those adults caught between elderly parents and kids still in the nest. You probably work along side someone, have a friend or know a neighbor who fits the definition of the "The Sandwich Generation."

According to the latest census statistics, 25% of all households are now caring for an older relative. And that care traditionally falls on the shoulders of women, many of whom are also raising children and juggling demanding careers as well. As stressful as those responsibilities can be, perhaps none is as challenging as caring for an elderly parent.

The situation that puts a child in charge of a parent is an extremely slippery one, says Gail Bechtel, a licensed clinical social worker at Piedmont Hospital.

"It's hard work for everybody," says Bechtel, a case manager for the hospital's 60 Plus Older Adult Services program. "Children want to know how they can best help their parent without taking over completely. They also want to handle the situation and not be treated like a five-year-old. And we also hear that their parents are behaving like children!"

Whether a parent is just starting to deal with issues of aging or is in need of immediate intervention, the one topic sure to start fireworks is money.

As a 23-year employee of Merrill Lynch in Buckhead, Mary Ellen Garrett (no relation to Editor-in-Chief Echo Garrett) has seen almost every scenario, from the parents who are glad to share their plans for their golden years with their children to those who don't want the kids to know the real state of their finances.

"I've had cases where a client brought their children in, and we provided power of attorney for them to handle their parents' finances," says Garrett. "Some clients and their children have made decisions together."

The financial planner continues: "Some are very forthright, but there are also those who are very private and don't want the next generation to know what they've planned."

Garrett gets the conversation rolling by going through a checklist with her older clients as part of the estate planning process.

"We make sure estates and documents are in good order; that medical and financial powers of attorney are in place, so if something does happen, they won't miss a beat," she says. "There's a lot of listening involved. You have to adhere to how clients want things done. The same thing won't work for everybody."

One thing that does work across the board is children talking to their parents about their wishes.

"I always encourage children to ask, 'What do I do if something happens to you?' " says Garrett. "It opens up dialog by offering assistance. But it isn't always easy; even if you're 40 or 50, the parent still looks on you as a child."

Bechtel suggests that children keep in mind that money is a particularly touchy subject with survivors of the Great Depression and World War II. "The generation that survived the Depression feels it's important to leave a financial legacy," she says. "Many want to leave something for their children and won't spend it on themselves. These are folks who remember when mayonnaise was 49 cents a jar! It can be hard to get them to spend what they've saved for the rainy day, even when it's starting to sprinkle."

In addition to money, other topics children should broach with their parents include long-term care insurance, Medicare, estate planning, tax deductions -even the possibility of getting a reverse mortgage. Those are some of the important points that certified financial planner Angela Stillwell covers with elder clients and their adult children.

"I ask what they've done about long-term care; what are their wishes; how do they want to be cared for if they're unable to take care of themselves?" she says. "Money is such a touchy issue that sometimes it's better [for the child] to lead into the conversation by talking about their physical well-being first, and asking what they can do to help."

"Some families are very open, but that's not the norm: I've had people tell me their conversations with their parents have gone horribly wrong," says Stillwell. "Our elders come from a generation where you don't talk about these things, and they often feel that we're invading their privacy. In some cases I've suggested getting their clergy involved; a minister, rabbi or priest they've known for years can sometimes help the conversation get started."

Says Atlanta attorney Robert Copeland, who specializes in elder law and estate planning: "The kids are more motivated [to discuss finances] because statistics show that about 25% of us will spend our own retirement funds to support our parents' care," he says. "That alone is a good reason to talk to them about long-term care insurance. [Buying this insurance] has incredible tax incentives, too: You get a deduction to put money in, but there's tax when you withdraw."

Copeland encourages his clients to sit down with a workbook that leads a family through all the key decisions they need to make about the future. He's also a fan of Tools to Talk, another icebreaker on the topic. (For a free copy call him at (770) 937-9444 or atlantaelderlaw.com ). Another good book is The Parent Care Solution (parentcaresolution.com)

"There are two ways to deal with the issue of aging: either in preplanning or crisis mode," says Copeland. "But most people would rather pay for the cure than prevention. That's why most of the calls I get are from people on the way to a nursing home."

Many aging parents aren't thinking about the fine details of managing their estate, either, says Kay Shirley, a Sandy Springs certified financial planner and president of Financial Development/Mutual Service Corporation.

"Under current law, you only have to be concerned if your assets are more than $1.5 million," she says. "But if they are, you need to be sure there is a will drawn up appropriately to handle them. Then you need to consider the money management capabilities of your beneficiaries. You may want to have a trust set up to manage the assets so the beneficiary doesn't spend them as soon as they get them."

Another estate issue Shirley handles more of these days is the second home. "Frequently when a parent dies, the children are forced to share ownership of that property and they may or may not be able to do that," she says. "There needs to be some thought given to how that property is going to transfer."

No matter what the specific topic children are discussing with their elderly parents, Shirley reports the most successful conversations have come out of the children asking advice.

"Say you're considering setting up a trust or getting long-term care and ask their opinion," she says. "Say you're worried about what your children will do if something happens to you. Ask their thoughts on a living will for you and then ask if they've ever considered it or if their friends have. But whatever you do, I always recommend asking, instead of telling."

Sixty Plus Older Adult Services
Sixty Plus Older Adult Services at Piedmont Hospital is the only hospital-based program of its kind in Georgia. Started in 1987, the program aims to help older adults maintain independent and healthy lifestyles and to support their caregivers. Resources are available through Aging Helpline; Geriatric Case Management; Senior Health Outreach; Dementia Education and Support Program; Health Promotion; Older Adult Medical Transportation Services; and a Nursing Home placement guide. For details on the program, call Piedmont at 404-605-5000.

Children Of Aging Parents:
¥ Help your parents get their financial house in order. People are still considered fairly young at 65, but it's also a good time to get their particular financial needs and support systems mapped out.
¥ Keep in mind that your parents will do much better out of the hospital; keep them at home if at all possible.
¥ Encourage your parents to exercise, keep them involved and out and about as much as possible.
¥ Face up to the problems. Don't put off tough decisions such as whether or not Mom or Dad should still be driving. ("People frequently turn that decision over to the state licensing person," said Garland Fritts, an independent consultant on aging issues. (geriatricstrategy.com) "They'll slip in and say, 'If you fail my parent, I'd really appreciate it!' Or they can get a physician to do it.")

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For more information about elderly issues, visit one of the following Web sites:
Administration on Aging: www.aoa.gov
American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging: www.aahsa.org
American Society on Aging: www.asaging.org
Assisted Living Federation of America: www.alfa.org
Careguide: ElderCare Resource Center: www.careguide.net
Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services: http://cms.hhs.gov
ElderCare: www.eldercare.cc
ElderWeb: www.elderweb.com
FirstGov for Seniors: www.firstgov.gov
National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys: www.naela.org
National Association for Home Care: www.nahc.org
National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers: www.caremanager.org
National Council on the Aging: www.ncoa.org
Social Security Administration: www.ssa.gov

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H.M. Cauley's mother has her estate and long-term care plans in good order, though she is in denial about turning 90 this month.