Send This Story
Circle of Friends
Too often we wonder why we have difficulty finding and maintaining healthy relationships with men. We wonder why Mr. Right has not entered our lives or why we keep ending up with Mr. Wrong.
by Dr. Joyce Morley-Ball
February 1, 2006
W
e sometimes don't recognize the 'right' man for us when he comes along, constantly
finding ourselves in situations with the 'wrong' man. On many occasions, we know that he is
probably the wrong man, but we have difficulty seeing it because we have not dealt with self issues
and issues we carry regarding other women.
There are many factors that determine whether Mr. Right shows up. And if he does the
question becomes whether he will stay. One thing that determines whether a woman will have a
healthy, lasting relationship with a man is the type of relationships she has, or has had, with
other females. The first relationships women have to assess are the ones they have with
themselves. The next are with their mothers and sisters. If a woman has difficulty loving and
accepting herself, and has difficulty in her relationships with her mother and sisters, she will
have difficulty communicating with, relating to, and accepting other women.
Healthy relationships start with friendships. It's important for women to have friendships with themselves first, which entails treating herself as if she is the most important person in the world and settling for nothing less than the best. She can then relate to the other women in her household. Once these friendships are formed and she establishes solid relationships, the basis for all other relationships becomes a reality. She can then begin to form healthy relationships with women outside of her family.
If women have difficulty maintaining friendships with people who are most like themselves (other women), they are going to have even more difficulty with friendships that lead to healthy relationships with people so different from themselves - men. Hence, there is the ever-evolving door of the wrong man and temporary situations, rather than the right man and healthy, long lasting relationships.
Women who have strong, healthy relationships with other women are less likely to be needy, insecure, jealous, controlling, depressed and angry. They are unafraid to be alone or to trust, and they are proud of other women's accomplishments. They recognize they are only in control of themselves and their spirits are usually more upbeat and happy. Hence, they are more likely to recognize Mr. Right when he shows up and to do what is necessary to move toward a healthy relationship with him. A man's platonic friendship with other women won't scare them, and they respect men without trying to control or shape them into the images of themselves. Healthy relationships bear the differences in mind, while enhancing the similarities.
On the other hand, these women will also be able to recognize Mr. Wrong when he shows up. They will be strong enough to show him the door or give him the boot, avoiding the cycles of being in situations going nowhere, rather than engaging in relationships going somewhere.
Take time today to engage in a written self-assessment of how you feel about yourself and how you see yourself. Then, look at your relationships with your mother and other women in your life. If they are broken, begin to assess what is needed for you to not necessarily fix them, but to be able to effectively manage them so that you can close the negative relationship doors of your life in order to allow positive relationship doors to open. And if you have difficulty engaging in this process with yourself, seek professional help Once the process is complete, you will then be armed with the tools necessary for you to have what it takes for healthy female-male relationships.
Dr. Joyce Morley-Ball is a Decatur, GA-based author, marriage and family therapist, and relationship expert.
