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Last Word: "Delete"
Any email that includes the following phrases will be deleted: "Please send this to ten friends in five seconds and you will ..." or this: "Dance like no one is watching ..." or: "I never send these, but this one is really ..."
by Nancy Zintak
July 1, 2008
E
arly in the email evolution I would read the mom stories, watch the dancing baby video,
forward instructions on how to kick out the tail lights of your car trunk, should you find yourself
in your trunk; I printed out the warnings against microwaving anything in plastic, and I've read
every single joke regarding blondes, menopause, golf, priests, rabbis, Baptists, and why men don't
ask for directions. While admittedly guilty of sending a few "forwards" in my life things have come
to a point where I just have to hit delete. It's all part of my own email intervention.
I've tried everything to manage the insidious email: tried writing back three-word responses, but I
can barely say "Hello" in under a paragraph, so that didn't work. I consulted a smart friend who
loaned me a document meant to help manage email: it was 47 pages, so forget that. Then I
talked with a consultant who suggested prioritizing emails into 3 ranked folders. I put all
of my emails from that day into the folders and never looked at them again. In my desire to conquer
this overwhelming stack of "mail", I've complied a short list of email do's and don'ts:
"Reply All"
"Reply all" is a good tactic when used as a cry for help. Example: "MY CHILD WILL BE
STRANDED ON A SOCCER FIELD DURING A LIGHTENING STORM IN DULUTH DURING RUSH HOUR -- CAN ANY OF
YOU PICK HIM UP????" Or: the 8th grade dance is in an hour-who can bring strobe lights over now?
"Reply all" can also be used as a "last one in is a rotten egg!" tool. If you don't quickly
hit "reply all" to the swim team volunteer coordinator you'll be assigned 6 and Under Boys Den (a
death sentence) rather than the lane worker (a job you can do while talking and drinking with
friends.) This is a good use of "reply all".
A bad use of "reply all" is the one most common today.The answers are usually followed by
multiple explanation points, such as "Ashlie will be there!!!!" as if we're all taking attendance.
Another bad use of "reply all" is when you disagree with a decision saying things like,"we've never
done it that way" or "I think a Spa gift card is better than your idea".
These generally result in a flurry of other dissenting "reply all's that take the better
part of day to read just to get to the final decision.
Often the process leads me to abandon the issue and hit "delete all". I like delete. Delete
would have been useful when my kids were toddlers...while banging their sippy-cup on the high chair
tray or knocking over a bowl of syrup, I could have just hit delete. Then you can retrieve your
child later from the "trash", after you'd had a cocktail and calmed down a bit.
Last email edict: If you 're going to send me an email, raving about dinner and
requesting the recipe, don't send me a bounce back that says, " in order to control Spam, the
sender has requested you fill out this form.An inkblot drawing containing psychedelic letters and
numbers then follows the form that you're to decipher ---these people get no recipe: delete!
To review: emails are good for setting meetings between multiple attendees.
Emails are good for organizing hot cheesy casseroles for sick people and new moms. Emails are
good for quick, decisive exchanges of information. Emails cannot provide salvation, nor
are they the lottery: if you send one to all your friends your fate will not change, nor will your
bank account. They are like little letters, without stamps.They don't give you paper cuts, but over
a period of time, they will create severe neck pain, and give you carpel tunnel syndrome. With all
that to look forward to, I might just pick up the phone.
